wonder

bad shape.
i'm simply dehydrated and tired.
the result of drinking too much coffee and not getting enough sleep.
apparently, it snowballs.
so now the task at hand is to correct all this nonsense before it gets out of hand and i end up fubar after doing some stupid irreversible things.
and it's back to the battle between discipline and wilfulness.

and talking abt corrective action.
meeting shan mei twice today had made me have 2nd thoughts.
tempted me to try to patch things up.. to try to start every single thing anew.
it is indeed an alluring thought.
but i must resist!
all the past experiences with corrective actions were bad.
at the end of it all, no one was happy and everything simply got worse.
and even if i were to succeed by sheer fortune, how after that?
i'm simply not ready. and everything shall all come back again one full circle, with extra devastation.
this is something i simply won't be able to take. i cannot afford to fall again.. just not now.
oh wells.. guess the power nap did help things a lil bit... made me want to do anything silly less than before. sleep is really what i need for now.

anyhow, saw jh's blog. dunno if she referred to me, though i think it's likely.
made me rem what uncle jack told me.
sometimes you should just speak your mind.
if people gets offended, then too bad. cos zhong1 yan2 ni4 er2.
i guess what he meant was it's totally fine to speak your mind sensibly.
and people gets put off because of what you say, than it's simply too bad for them simply cos they cannot accept it.
of course i'm sure he was assuming that no one would be going to say stupid things that aren't going to be constructive in any way.
and he said i was too diplomatic.. haha.. but it does really take a conscious effort for me to be so.
and a very good reason. cos i tend to offend people easily.
and esp so recently.
i've been extremely unpleasantly lately i realised.
esp while fighting against the lack of sleep and the invasion of sickness.
been whining about the negative stuff more than often.
and made me forget the better stuff..
like what nice movies i've watched, or nice gestures from people.
guess i really have alot to learn from dai lo.
his maturity is unmatched.
and i'm really grateful for him. not just for today, when he helped me out for the dispensing prac tgt with jia hui.
and the countless things he taught me; both directly and indirectly.
while i was lost in the darkness of my fatigue and erratism, the helping hands gave me a beacon and reminded me of friends i have.
no doubt i'm individualistic in nature, i definitely cannot survive alone on my own.
perhaps i can be independent. but not very well. i'd definitely work better with friends.

and all that made me miss the serious talks i've had with people.
and most recently with dailo and uncle jack. haha... it was kinda funny to see jia hui not used to us speaking seriously at wala wala.(sorry for the bad breath and smell of alcohol >.<)
but one thing i couldn't really stand abt dai lo is... his diplomacy. which is also his greatest strength. sometimes i just wished he'd be more frank sometimes. esp when in criticism. this is what holds me back from asking for feedback on myself. oh wells guess i'd have to try harder to see and be reflective.
it's really time to awaken the sense and not abandon myself to the oblivion of cui-ness =)
time to show some maturity.

it's funny sometimes, as how dai lo had noted. sometimes people do to others things, which they themselves cannot accept others doing the same thing back unto them. such as teasing.. and sometimes they carry it too far without knowing. some cannot stand it being done unto them, while they enjoying doing to others. while some simply take it in their stride. i guess that's the diff.. a measure of maturity to some extent. something i fail to show. esp when i'm in autopilot mode.. which is starting to happen more frequently these few days.. =(

well on the brightside, at least i can see where i can improve on and roughly knowhow to go about it. so it isn't so bad after all. must find back the positivity i had the past few days before i turned grouchy and coffee-muggee.

and radiant i shall be!!!!! =)