Frustration

I honestly don't know what came over me, but I am simply pissed of as of now. 3.40 and I still cannot sleep. Fuck.

My same

Ever felting like having a long lost twin?
Today I realized how similar we are. And it strikes me, really hard. And I don't know if I should celebrate it or grieve it.

T.G.I.M

I must be weird cos I don't seem to have Monday blues. Maybe it's simply because it marks the end of my usual weekend torments.
But this week, it's different. The weekend was bittersweet and the coming Monday is something to look forward to! Because Starbucks is opening a new outlet in NUS on that day!
Funny how Starbucks never fails to make my day and debuff the general unhappiness. Albeit there are things and people that SB cannot replace of course.
Such as great friends who care, for example:

You!
(yes you.)

Thank you so much, and I really appreciate it. =)

Pathetic

I cannot stand myself anymore. It's just pathetic how I'm flailing around like a fish pulled out of the water-which is exactly what I am.
You need to get a grip man! And flip back slowly into the waters. Don't turn into something you despise, cos you are more than that. Remember.

Does it work that way?

合久必分；分久必合；合久必婚？

Precisely

I suck. Period.

Flood

Honestly I don't know how long I can hold out.

Lame.

This is one of the lamest reason I have heard. It's best we split up. It's only second to the overtried "oh! I didn't know!(tries to mimic a surprised face but fails terribly)"

Stutters

I suck at conversations. In fact I think I am much better at killing them. Perhaps I should have simply kept my mouth shut. Or perhaps I should not have initiated anything at all. Period

Bad Timing

I guess it's just bad timing. Sigh. Murphy is prolly going to win this time!

Yawn... It's...Friday? Oh right.

After enduring 2 CAs, I find meself in an anticlimatic celebration for weekend come:
Getting stuck on a bus in traffics jams while savouring the bittersour taste of nausea and hunger. Definitely an experience that one dies for(in, perhaps, is more apt).

I'm confused.

Sometimes, I can't read the signs, because subconsciously I am in denial. But deep down, I know very well what they all meant.
This time, I am really confused and I don't think I am prepared to recover from making a type 1 error. A type 2 doesn't sound any better either. Aargh... Totally need to have a cat's intuition right now and see the whole damn picture. I better hurry before the Finger of Death(yes, the one from Warcraft3) hits me and turns my insides out.
In short, give me a clear sign please!

October

My fav month had arrived! And yet things have quite yet turned for the better. Nonetheless, I ought to be glad for stepping out of my comfort zone and doing things I previously wouldn't have considered trying. Think it backfired a little bit? IDK.
Regardless, life will go on, the world will still turn, slowly but surely.
Honestly I'm afraid now, of both failures and things that seem too good to be true. Either way, I guess I just gotta keep going and keep trying. No more hiding and snoozing. It's time to work hard, play hard and take care of myself. It's totally obvious when I'm tired: I stone, I talk in a slurry, I become emotionally blind. This kills my social life! Not to mention the havoc it wreaks on my health.
Must give myself a little treat after the peak period. In the meantime, tiny breaks would have to suffice. A movie soon? ;)

September

I know the month is far from over, and it is silly to bear grudges against an inanimate month. But you cannot blame me, since it was like the solar equivalent of the lunar 7th month.

It had been a rough week, all the way up to the weekend.
A potential mate passed and gone.
My double standards officially validated.
A unprecedented discovery that "cheap thrill" is a harsh insult.
Retribution of mockery of self degradation.
A dubiously late act of goodwill.

Looking back, the pain and hurt were all worthwhile I guess. At least I learnt a few things.
Like how talk is really cheap sometimes?
I can't always be so trusting?
People often have exploitive agendas?
Seemingly nice gestures needs to be treated with an extra pinch of salt and protective skeptism?
And lastly, perhaps once in a while, I should stow away my cynism for another day?

At the end of the day, I learn that compartmentalizing is the best strategy. You can have a fiery tempest brewing in one room, yet a tranquail primeval in another; vile acids and sharpened stings ready in one room, yet cuddly bears and warm hearts in another. At the end of the day, we will close up all the doors. And then we move on. With wounds healing and lessons learnt. And we will just keep going.

With the past been heard, present being seen, and the future to be felt.

Wake me up when september ends

1 Sept was a rough start, with me waking up on the wrong side of the bed(metaphorically, of course) for the month of september.
At the very least, today ended in a good note. There was satisfying dinner(boy, I sure love EWF!), and a sinful post-dinner treat(*winks*), which was very fruitful. I totally did not regret it and was uber glad cos they had nice music. On enquiry, I found that the number was a cover by Princess Velasco, and it led me to a treasure cove of covers.
New songs in my playlist!!! =D

Anyhow, to whom it may concern, it is always enlightening to know how people think of you. Helps to diff between phantoms in shells and mask, and true people with hearts. Between friends who are not afraid of pain so that they can show you the light, and those that are just selfish and self-centred and leave you in the dark.
There is only one heaven, but nobody said anything about it being not compartmentalized right? Just food for thought, not blasphemy.

Bitching and mind games

These seem to be the most common agenda in social interaction.
And I frankly do not appreciate these. I am sick of facades, and people doing things I deem ridiculous. Then again one man's meat is another man's poison. Who am I to say anything. For all I know, the other party is thinking the exact same thing about me! But honestly, I would really want to know.
What sort of person are you when you sleep with your friend's boyfriend;and what sort of person are you if you would give the green light for your friend to sleep with your boyfriend?
I'm tired. Spare me the acting, please? Spare me the retribution from your folly, please? Thank you both very much, and yes, there is no judgement from me here. Just take up your baggage and let's all go on with life.

Relationship Status

No, it is not a verbal declaration, a social network profile parameter or a ring of pledge for that matter.
It is not defined by proximity, duration or intimacy.
It is merely a state of mind- mutual, disjoint or otherwise.

Cap'n!

I think I may have gotten too much pirate influence in the past moment, but it gave me a epiphany:
Captain Jack Sparrow probably still loves his Black Pearl, even though it had been sunk and wrecked, changed hands, sent into desolation, and (hopefully) righted at the end of the day.

I learn my lesson

Once bitten, twice shy.
Fooled me once, shame on you;
fooled me twice, shame on me.
Take your mind games elsewhere.
I only answer to true calls of friends.
And oh yes, update: I have wizened a little more and gained resistance to your old tricks. It should be your turn soon-once you stop flailing.

Smile

The last time I smiled to myself for no reason was a very long time ago and for a very long time, there was no reason for me to truly smile.. till recently. =)
It was funny, in both sense of the word. The way the smile just creeps up to your lips, you don't realize it till you suddenly feel the joy it brings.
It is amazing, both the feeling and process.

Abstinence

Finally after one whole month of abstaining-not by choice- I am back here.
Ironically, it has been quite eventful since preceptorship started. Perhaps it is simply cos of the influx of new people into my social circle.
Despite the wild happenings, I realize I do enjoy my times of being alone. Except when the loneliness sneaks up on me again and suffocates me. I stirred a little when my colleague tried to play matchmaker, and maybe a little more with another colleague who seemed to be vaguely advancing with mild interest. Today I was tempted again by a SYT. The only defenses I have against such allure is my inertia and self-disdain.
Looking at the recent company, I am beginning to worry for myself and my closer friends. Unwarranted, perhaps, but I can't help it. The constant debate between settling (both sense of the word) or waiting and reaching.
It is practically impossible to achieve a perfect balance in the tripartite or love, lust and commitment. Still the question remains-to be or not to be?

Bipolar

Today had been a day of ups and downs. Dotted with nice and bad things/people. While I am really happy with the nice things that happened, I am equally upset by the frustrating bad things. I understand the need for balance, but not in this way please, it will drive me crazy!!!!
Just in case you wonder:
Good Things:
Great meals
Fun Shopping
Super shopping buddy for today
Cool things bought
New partner
Jie coming back this weekend

Bad Things:
Spoilt Specs
Horrible transport
Bad Bridge luck
Caught in the rain
Itching and tired eyes
Childish people

Good Day

Today was overall a good day. The only rocky part was the bridge match that WH and I attended, which exposed alot of bare wiring that we both need to tackle and patch. But all and all, it was good.
The morn started with me being blur and almost acusing Val to go down to town alone for lunch. I misread the SMS and ended up telling her I am available on the wrong timing. Luckily she called me and I realised how blur I was. And we scheduled it on sat!! woohoo.. nice lunch!
Then JH tells me she can go for breakfast on sun! woohoo X 2
Lastly, today was one day that I met random and not so random ppl, but there weren't any =_= people by and large.. so I guess that give me a woohoo X 3

Essence of the day: Henceforth, I shall not settle. Never for less.

Bide

I suspect it has now boiled down to a biding game, see who relents first. Or I could be totally wrong. Either way, there will be no winner.

reason

the reason of the emotions, the root of evil, yet the one I want to share my life with. Have I done the right move in giving up for a greater good, or so I thought?

Anything

If it is a path of happiness further down, I will do anything to have us back. But is it?

It pains me more than you think.

know not

Sometimes I think if myself as transparent, in both sense of it-- mister cellophane and an open book. Yet I am often proven wrong. And most disappointingly, you prove me wrong again. Of all people, I am sure you would be able to tell the difference between hiding and indifference. You would know I hide because I am weak and do not have the strength to do it. But I guess I was wrong. Just like how I naively imagined that there were angels that would convey your heart to those that mattered; they just do not exist!
At dusk, what greets me will just be the four walls and their echo, and the phantom cat that has yet to arrive.

Right

Sometimes we may be given rights. When trespassed, we always have the option of invoking those rights, but would it be worth doing so? Similarly, would it be worth being right or righting things?
Sometimes, it would perhaps be better to leave the error in. Why bothering risking conflict in attempts to enlighten the dim? You want to be right, as always, then you can have it. Hope it floats your boat =)

Odds:against

Sometimes in life(in fact most of the times) the odds are often stacked against you. There could be a selfish reason, or a malicious one. Yet strangely, they all seem so curiously naturally. Nothing comes easy or smoothly. Troublefree is simply a fairytale. Booby traps, dark arrows, acid spit and cold glares are the reality. To live, the scorpion's gotta fight. Else, pray hard that it has ascended to a phoenix by the time it is dying.

Irrational

I seem to be in an irrational mood lately. It can be clearly seen in my extravangance and no desire for social company.

Phase 2 starts.

Somehow I am beginning to have a bad feeling about the mission from the intelligence I gathered. Objective seems to be occupied.

Phase 1 complete

Task 1 complete!

Out in the field; for all to feast.

Mosquitoes are my most hated type of insects. Solely because they feed off you and make gets you irriated all over. Lately, I got myself acquainted with them all over again, thoughtfully reminded myself of the use of insect repellants. It is important to protect the self from such harm. They come to you only to get themselves favour, and give nothing back, except a lasting trace of irritation. Somehow, this applies to many people too. They come to you with agenda. Even simple compliments are laced with slow acting poisons, which secretly works it way through and killing you before you know it.
Once I had thought it was good to be transparent, and there was absolutely no need to hold back; simply get out there and show your best all the time. Lately, I was taught otherwise. Being overzealous only lands you unwanted attention and unwarranted tasks. Slowly and surely, you'd get pushed to positions no one wants to stand. Finally, off the cliff, where you either stand on safe grounds or learn to fly.
All that hazards and discomfort aside, I was quite glad to be out on the field again. Partially because it makes me lose weight, mainly because I enjoy the freedom and autonomy out there, where we can make our own decisions. The question now is, will I be able to stand doing it over and over, again and again?

Lucky chance

Could this be the chance for my lucky break?
As the saying goes, know thy enemy. Time to check things out =)

Alone

Sometimes, I really wonder. Am I better off alone?
Lately, the signs are telling me yes.

Silly Anger

I find myself silly for being angry about stupid things. Especially things that were not unfair and uncalled for. An example: a math major says "chem very easy, just memorize", while a engine major replied "like smoking right?" to a friendly suggestion. I think I must have a very low adversity quotient considering how these weird remarks get stuck buzzing in my head for long periods. Somehow I just cannot empathise with how they can manage to spurt such remarks or even conceive them in their minds! I guess the best solution to this is to shut them out. Bad hearing becomes a boon so we can hear/here no evil!

Reliance

The theme of the week seems to be on reliance. While I am not that outstanding or efficient a worker, I realised that I should rely on anybody on a minimum, ideally nil. Too many times I got disappointed when I expect things to turn out great. Perhaps I simply took things for granted that it would go well, and nothing bad should happen when I leave things be. But no, Murphy prevailed. "Unforseen circumstances" arise, and put me in a worse position when I previously was. Now I learn my lesson. While it is stubborn to blindly stick to the original plans, I should have the discipline to follow through what I had sought to do. Being too flexible with plans is not a good thing; what offers that come my way, may not always be for the good of me. Advice, favour, recognition and assistance are not always good to receive. All that glitters is not gold, just as all that is gold does not glitter.

P.S. I am a gold seeker no doubt, but I shall not run madly into a gold rush. Hopefully my patience pays off(with a rough cut diamond that no one else discovered).

Good Old Days

Looking back at the younger days, I realised the stupid things that I half wished I never did. At the same time I was elated, especially when I chanced upon a couple of photos, which brought me right back to then. I got to admit: this is the first time I had not felt bad on seeing a old photo.
As much comfort as these photos can bring, they have all but passed. Now is the time, not to recreate the past glory, but to enter a phuture better than the present. Carpe diem!

Birthdays

I know 5 people with birthdays 1 day after mine, 4 people 1 day before, 7 people on 26 oct, but none on 29 Oct.
Does that say anything special about a person I would meet that has the same birthdate?

Arthur

A classic story of an extravagant spendthrift coming round, by the magic or true love. Cliched and overused but still works I guess. While not very subtle, the depictions of social transactions among the higher class very vivid.
The idea of business matrimony both appalled and appealed to me. It is both a practical and personal preference of mine to have a life partner that can empower and elevate each other through union. Just as the classic line in the vows dictate: in poverty or in wealth, in sickness or in health; it was never "to poverty and not wealth, with sickness but not health!" Nonetheless, I would never consider life along the better half without affection and passion! It is tantamount to the murder of a soul-- lest it has been sold to the devil for power, fame, wealth or everlasting beauty.
So, to settle and get an insurance and assurance, or to strive and risk falling all alone when age catches up? Considering you only live once, it is a very grim choice, isn't it? =)

Mint

I only realised how much a fan of mint I have become.
There is mint is almost all perishable necessities I can think of. Discounting the toothpaste, there is mint in my facial wash, scrub, shampoo, body wash and wipes. To take things further, I like mint in my tea, coffee, alcohol, chocolate, cookies and water. I even almost bought a mint scented pencil, only eventually deciding on the cherry flavoured one since it smelled way better.
This doesn't count as a fetish right I hope?

Horoscope

Out of fun, I read the horoscope for scorpios on 10 May and this is what it reads:
"Maybe you didn't pursue an opportunity way back when that could have landed you in a better financial situation; Maybe you abandoned a relationship that could have resulted in a lifelong love affair; Perhaps you said something to someone that you wish you could take back.
Whatever your regret, the universe will support your efforts to be free from the need to look back and play the 'what if' game. You cannot change the past, but oyu can stop the past from darkening your future."

How timely.

How I Met Your Mother

Marshal and Lily rocks!

Slack

I guess I am the sort that cannot be given slack. While high stress levels keeps me on my toes and wreaks havoc on my health, it does keep me engaged and focussed. No loafing around, no playing games and no talking nonsense. The bad point, however, is that I have no idea where the breaking point is! It is probably time when I would simply give up because I find my task to be stupid, or my body simply collapses. A risk, worth to be taken. At least it beats me slacking around and starting to lose my mind. It is almost as if my heart and soul only comes back to my body when I am doing something I value as important.

I shall seek and I shall find. The path that leads to the depths of my mind.
The journeys of thousand miles begin with the first step, and I shall take mine. And now is the moment.

Who am I kidding?

Under the sharp sting and behind the menacing claws, lies a soft heart.

Vision

Suddenly, this vision came to me-- I will be alone, all by myself in a silent apartment with not even a cat around me. All I can hear is the quiet whispers of the wind and the memories it carries. And at last I see myself on a rattan armchair, sitting in the sub as I unknowingly breathe my last.

Great qualities

Love is blind.
So is stupidity.

Impromptu

I think I may end up pulling a stunt this afternoon.. wahaha.. though it may set me back by 85bucks. Bah... you only live once! =P

Verstehen bitte sie!

Ich mag der Autos;
ich liebe der Katze, aber nicht die Hund.
Verstehen?

Forgotten

Just like how tyranny creates a forgotten generation, there is a lapse in some of my documentation. But I remember so vividly it be true, yet I can find no trace of it! It was as if the universe had changed its last in an instant!

Guru

I think I need a dating guru.. to teach me how to approach, entrap and snag/shag my date!

Innocent stab

Today I truly understand what is it like to perform an innocent stab.

Meow~!

I need a litter to roll around in.
I have a strong sense of personal space.
I don't need to give a damn.
I do my own things in my own time.
I like my things my way.
I eat losta tuna and drink losta milk

What am I?
=P

Change: For the better

I came across two old acquaintance, and I was awed.
There was much change, for the better.
I guess it's my time to start making a change too!

Contrast

I think the bad things and weird ppl occur around me just so that I would notice the great friends around me and appreciate the good things that happen.
While I cannot deny that the world is pretty screwd up, I refuse to believe that I must play along and be screwed up too. I want to make a difference and I am going to. For the ones that matter!

The same coin

The sayings have been so cliche! Like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Or ideas that talk about bad karma and retribution. But some people just don't get it!

I can empathize and also sympathize with bad experiences or history. By all means, share them with me and I promise you I won't be judgemental and I guarantee you my listening. But for goodness sake, please do not ever take it out on me or worse, blame me for your own misfortune, while at the same credit me when you yourself chose to wallow in self pity. Grow up, and see more with your heart rather than your feeble eyes. By the way, go get yourself checked!

Cursed?

I don't know if I am just being paranoid. The way rhibga have been unfolding for me the past few days seemed as if something or someone us out to get me. The simplest things are going off the track. Minor and mundane transactions of everyday life comes in such a way that it almost seemed like that was a protocol in place to annoy and hold me back.
Bad luck please go away!
Weird and bad ppl steer clear too. tyvm

Bridge Lessons

Bridge never fails to amaze me. Just when I begin to fall into a comfort zone, it gives me a good thrashing and a humbling experience.
I made difficult contracts against all odds; I have also failed the simplest looking contract.
I scream at my partner, just as I have been screamed at at times.
I meet nice opponents whom we can chat up with.
I meet cool opponents who I somehow also screw up against.
There are good people who were willing to teach, just as there are some that were out to kill.
It is almost like Life1001 crash course.
No wonder I keeping going back to it.

Deadly Combination

Dehydration coupled with lack of quality sleep equals to acting like a zombie and looking like a ghost.

11/04/11

Today is a day to remember. In the lingo of an xbox fan, it is a day of many achievements.
First, I managed to get a good gift with the help of my dear sis, geok joo, for my mum. Window shopped a little, before going for dinner. (It was really fruitful to shop with her, cos she knows exactly what goes and what doesn't.)
Then I met up with my bunch of great friends Jiahui, Valerie and Wee Pin(in alphabetical order) for a indulgent ice cream treat. Though it made me hypoglycemic on the way back(but it was my own fault that i did not hydrate properly today.)
To round off the day, I sat back and unwind when i got home. And I got some good surprises. It seemed all too good to be true. Or to be precise, I had never expect anything like that. Still, i have a decision to make... to be evil or just walk on =P
I loved today, but sadly, I wished i could have hung out with more of my friends. Shall organise a outing/gathering for the whole clique after the exams. I sumpah! else no starbucks or its equivalents for 1 month!

Lastly, to the more discerning readers something is left out. Purposefully so because it was le piece de resistance. It made my day; albeit it was not the content of the news, but that the news was passed to me. It made my day, it really did. And it touched me in ways you wouldn't think it would.

New Directions

Looking back at the past week, I realised it's not the battles won, but the war won that is important.
I have been celebrating the minor wins and totally forgot about the war.
As a result, I knocked off course. I am offically lost. Aain.
Learning from past lessons, both being lost and losing focus never do good for me. Being depressed about what I do not have is no good either.
I should instead cherish what I have, and look forward. As for what I don't have now, I should fight for it.

Pray I have the courage and discipline to do so.
Time to take first step into running(pun intended)!
In the meantime, a little good fortune and well timed coincidences will be greatly appreciated!! =P

House

Yes! The door opened! Now
it's time to walk in and take a good look for myself.

Excuse (me?)

Yes! I am damn sly lah!
I love it when I can pack in a pun!
Looks vindicated, yet hints a favour.
wahahahahahahahahaha......

You ok?

I guess I am brought up in en environment where nobody really bothers to ask how I am, except whether I have eaten or not.
But this is no excuse for me to care and ask about how my loved ones and friends are doing.
Simply because there is no outcry doesn't mean that they are not going through a rough patch. On the contrary, they pretty much pretend nothing's really gone very wrong when they are going though a rough patch. It's almost japanese(no offence to the culture).
Then again, I don't really expect them to always come out to me presenting their problems. I'm perhaps not the sort of person in their eyes to best offer advice or help. So lest I have an urgent piece to give, I think silence would be gold. Just be there and be ready--this, I promise.

Pressure

The pressure's coming on, and it's time to get moving. Static pressure does no work right?

Feel the pulse of the world

When was the last time you simply sat and watched the world go by?
Felt the pulse of the earth with the palms of your hands?
Embraced the kiss of the free running winds against your cheeks?
Perhaps it's time to slow down, or even stop for a while.
Take a break, only then can we walk further.

To quote a friend, to rest is so we can go on a longer journey.

And for now, providence help me, it's time for me to get zz...

Change

Change is the only constant, or so I was told.
While I am not sure if it is true, I can be sure it happens.
Tonight I took a new look at the world I'm in.
So much has changed since I was gone, sealed away in a time capsule.
I'm glad the friendships I am so blessed to keep never changed.

focus

If there is anything good about me, it prob be focus. So I need to keep the focus and not lose it. No matter what comes along. =)

Blunder!!!

In hindsight, I realised I did something stupid when I unthinkingly posted something in facebook in the midst of an emotional overwhelm... stupid boon!

Pharmville!

I am truly awed. By the scale and response to pharmville. With great fortune, I was involved in it as a booth helper. And I can almost say it was an emotional for me. I had more action there than I had in o e entire sem. In fact I think I have not had this much action since like sem 2?
Nevertheless, it was very very fruitful for me. While it was physically exhausting, it brought great rewards to me that far outweighs the effort put it. I am tired now, but happily so, knowing that all the energy was put to good use. I guess what I need now is not more starbucks. What I need now is zz... =)
Hope everyone rests well and have sweet dreams that bring smiles even to the sleepy eyes.

what happened between us

Now that it boiled down to this, is there no way to rescue a friendship?

Destiny beckons

I may not know where I am supposed to go, but I know where I should not be going. I could really use somebody - to save me from the path, which drives me straight into the bottomless sea.

Buzz

It's always either women or bitches that are keeping me busy.